Two > one. Buy 2 or more, get 15% off. the math checks out.

congratulations.

you already
work here.

welcome to hoomans club. if your schedule revolves around someone who eats off the floor, you qualify.

the perks.

first look at every drop, by email. before instagram, before the ads.
HOOMAN10. ten percent off your first order. the popup gives the same one, we are not proud.
the PetFed stall dates, four cities, in your inbox before we post them.

that is the full list. we checked.

terms of employment.

the pet is management. this is not a metaphor.
there are no weekends. there are walks.
meetings happen at 4 a.m., on your chest, without an agenda.
dress code: whatever has the least hair on it. which is nothing.
dog people and cat people are the same department. we checked.
resignations are not accepted. you can try.

a hoomans club service

the cancelled
plans dept.

you have somewhere to be. you also have a pet. we do the paperwork.

who is keeping you home

official excuse

press the button. we will take it from here.

excuses are free for everyone. membership is free too.

can't come. the pet fell asleep on my arm at 6:40 and i have no feeling below the elbow. i will update you.

i was at the door with my shoes on. one look. i took the shoes off. sorry.

something came up. it weighs nine kilos and it is sitting on my car keys.

management has reviewed my request to leave the house. management is asleep on the request.

i'll be there in spirit. my body has been assigned to the left side of the sofa until further notice.

not tonight. i said the word bye out loud and the tail stopped. i am not a monster.

can't make it. someone here does a small sigh when i pick up my bag and it works every time.

sorry, no. the pet has put one paw on my foot and this is legally binding.

i would come but i just got the good spot on the bed and it took three weeks.

i tried to leave. i got as far as the lift. the face in the window did it.

i've been chosen for the 4 a.m. shift again. i need to rest before it.

can't. i have a meeting at home. it is on my chest and it has no agenda.

the dog heard the word walk at 5:15. there is no undoing that. i have to go.

not tonight. the dog just fell asleep chin-on-foot and my foot is furniture now.

can't come. there is a squirrel situation at the window and the dog needs backup.

the dog looked at the leash, then at me, then at the leash again. i have to be there.

i have to stay. the dog brought me the toy and sat down and is waiting. you do not walk out on that.

sorry. it is bath day. the dog is under the bed and one of us has to admit defeat.

can't. it is raining and there is someone here who does not pee alone.

the cat is sitting on my jacket. i have been informed that the jacket is no longer mine.

can't come. the cat has been on my lap for eleven minutes and i do not know when this will happen again.

the cat made eye contact for four whole seconds. i have to stay and see where this goes.

there is a box on the floor and the cat is in it. this is the best thing happening anywhere tonight.

sorry. the cat is asleep on the clean laundry and i have been told the laundry is the cat's now.

i'm staying in. the cat knocked my glass off the table and wants me to watch it happen again.

can't tonight. the cat is finally sleeping on the bed instead of on my head. i need this to keep going.

you already
work here.

your application has been approved.

apply.

the perks.

terms of employment.

your staff card.

the cancelled
plans dept.

the staff uniform.

you already work here.

your application has been approved.

apply.

the perks.

terms of employment.

your staff card.

the cancelled plans dept.

the staff uniform.

you already
work here.

the cancelled
plans dept.